By Maura Campbell
233 Crescent Road,
802/660-7906 ibsen3000@yahoo.com
VIOLET Art’s wife, full of fun
DOTTIE Charlie’s sister, hard edged, angry
GRAHAM/POLICEMAN Charlie’s brother, frightened, edgy,
potentially violent.
GRANDPA Charlie’s grandfather, loud, hungry
hard of hearing, lecherous.
GRANDMA Charlie’s grandmother, determined,
SETTING
A living room,
neither well appointed or shabby. Bookcases,
pictures of CHARLIE as a child on walls, an area rug, end tables, the usual
collection of comfortable furnishings.
The kitchen is offstage right, the bedrooms are offstage left.
TIME
Midday, present.
(PEARL
is dusting, HIRUM watches the television with interest. (There are several televisions behind it.) He
eats from a bowl of popcorn. PEARL
places doilies now on the furniture and on the coffee table in front of the
couch. HIRUM must look around her to
continue watching the television.)
There! (She continues to look satisfied.) There!
(She looks at HIRUM for a response, gets none. A little louder.) There!
(A pause. Then she kicks him and
points downstage. Speaks angrily.) There!
HIRUM
(Gets up.)
Where?
PEARL
I’m talking about
the doilies.
HIRUM
Huh? (Inspects the one on the coffee table.) Oh.
There.
He’s coming in a
minute and you still haven’t showered.
HIRUM
He’s family. Isn’t he family? Why should I shower?
PEARL
You stink, that’s
why.
HIRUM
Charlie won’t
care. Charlie smelled me for years.
PEARL
Well, I care. I’ve
smelled you for years and I can’t stand it.
Not only that, you’ve gotten uglier recently. You never were a prize, but I could at least
look at you and not want to gag.
HIRUM
There’s the
doorbell.
PEARL
What?
(The
DOORBELL RINGS.)
PEARL
Oh, it’s him. Now get
ready. (She runs and turns off the
lights.) Like we practiced, remember?
HIRUM
Got it.
PEARL
We’ll yell
“surprise” at the same time.
(The
DOORBELL RINGS again.)
HIRUM
I’m ready.
(They run and hide behind a piece of furniture.)
He’ll really be surprised, won’t he?
PEARL
Sh. He’ll hear us.
(They wait.
The DOORBELL RINGS again.)
HIRUM
We didn’t practice
that part.
PEARL
What part?
HIRUM
How’s he going to
get in? I’ll yell “come in.”
PEARL
No, he’ll hear you
and it will ruin the surprise.
HIRUM
Why will it ruin the
surprise, doesn’t he know we live her? I
mean, aren’t we his parents?
PEARL
That’s just
great.
(She gets up and turns on the lights.)
You spoil
everything. I should have known.
(The
DOORBELL RINGS again.)
HIRUM
(Still in hiding)
We didn’t rehearse
getting the goddamned door open.
PEARL
Now you’re
swearing. That’s all you think of me.
HIRUM
Ugly people
swear. It’s how we cope with being ugly.
PEARL
Your only son out
there in the hall.
HIRUM
I have two sons.
PEARL
I’m not counting
him. He doesn’t count. He was an accident.
(The
DOORBELL RINGS again.)
HIRUM
You’d better answer
it.
PEARL
Why should I?
HIRUM
Because I can’t get
up. I think I’ve thrown out my back.
PEARL
That’s just
great. Now I’ll have to wait on you,
too. Well, you can starve for all I
care.
(The
DOORBELL RINGS TWICE. HIRUM begins to
crawl toward the door.)
HIRUM
Oh, for Christ’s
sake.
PEARL
No you don’t.
(She grabs his legs.)
HIRUM
Let me go.
PEARL
You’re just trying
to make me look bad. I’ll get the
door.
(She
crawls toward the door; it is a race on all fours to the door. There is a wrestling match next; finally
PEARL bites HIRUM.)
HIRUM
Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
PEARL
Oh, stop it.
HIRUM
I’m hurt. I’m really hurt.
PEARL
One little
bite. How much could it hurt? It’s not like I’m a tiger or anything.
HIRUM
(Gets up)
You’re a vicious
woman. I can’t believe I married
you. And then the bout with colitis I
nursed you through. And then you bite
me.
PEARL
I bit you on our
honeymoon and you loved it.
(The
DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES.)
HIRUM
That was a
nibble! This is a bite!
PEARL
It is not.
HIRUM
Is too!
PEARL
Is not. I bit you on the ankle.
HIRUM
What?
PEARL
Look. Hm.
Must be the other one. There it
is. Lipstick marks and everything.
HIRUM
Oh. All right then.
(Exhausted, sits on couch.)
Why does everything
have to be so hard?
HIRUM
I overreacted. I’m sorry.
PEARL
I try and plan a
little surprise party for our only son and I have to go through this.
HIRUM
It’s entirely my
fault.
PEARL
I- married you.
HIRUM
Yes, you did.
PEARL
I didn’t have to.
HIRUM
I know. That’s what everyone said. “She doesn’t have to do this.”
PEARL
God knows it wasn’t
for the sex.
HIRUM
Hm.
PEARL
I mean, we’ve had
sex, what, three times?
HIRUM
Technically.
PEARL
And got three
children out of it.
HIRUM
If you count all
three.
PEARL
That last one was
your fault. I was tiling the shower.
HIRUM
I take full
responsibility.
(There
is now a POUNDING ON THE DOOR.)
PEARL
Oh, for Christ’s
sake, let him in.
HIRUM
Listen. I’ll turn out the lights. You hide back there again.
(He grabs a book.)
I’ll open the door,
hit him over the head, drag him inside, and when he comes to, we jump up and yell
surprise.
(The
door opens. CHARLIE enters.
HIRUM
hits him over the head with the book. CHARLIE drops to the floor.)
HIRUM
Surprise!
BLACK OUT.
ACT 1, SCENE 2
(The
lights come back up. CHARLIE is on the
couch. PEARL holds an ice bag to his
head. HIRUM watches television.)
PEARL
How’s that now?
CHARLIE
My God, what
happened?
PEARL
I’ve called the
police, they should be here in a few minutes.
CHARLIE
Am I in trouble?
PEARL
He’s a monster. He’s always been a monster.
HIRUM
Oh, for Christ’s
sake, Pearl, it’s just a little bump on the head. What about that bite on my leg?
PEARL
It’s on your ankle
and it’s just a nibble.
CHARLIE
I don’t think I know
you.
PEARL
You must be hungry.
CHARLIE
My head hurts.
PEARL
We’re having cake
later. After the fondue. Everyone’s coming, your sister, your Aunt
Violet and Uncle Art, even your grandparents are coming.
HIRUM
What about Graham?
PEARL
Who?
HIRUM
The tiling accident.
PEARL
I couldn’t talk him
out of it. He’s coming, too.
Now, don’t say
anything about your sister’s weight.
Just try to be cheerful.
CHARLIE
If you could just
help me to the door, I must have a car outside-
PEARL
Don’t be
ridiculous. We’re proud of you,
Charlie. Aren’t we proud, Hirum?
HIRUM
(Eyes on the TV)
Damned Yankees.
PEARL
He only watches the
Yankees so he can swear. He’s not a
gentleman, Charlie. In the south a man
would never speak like that in front of a lady.
My mother fainted when she found out I was engaged to a northerner. You’re a half-breed, Charlie. There’s nothing I can do about it now. Except pray.
(The
DOORBELL RINGS.)
HIRUM
There’s the
cops.
CHARLIE
Cops? (Gets up.)
PEARL
Charlie, sit back
down. You’ve had a concussion. Hirum, you go talk to them. Explain everything.
HIRUM
They’re here to
arrest me, for God’s sake. What makes
you think they’ll listen to me?
PEARL
I can’t leave
Charlie. You’ll have to do it.
HIRUM
I’m watching the
damned Yankees here!
CHARLIE
I think, yes, I remember
I sent you a letter-
PEARL
About the
prize! Oh, Charlie, what a day this is.
And the television
cameras? Are they coming, too?
HIRUM
(Gets up)
That’s it.
(He picks one of the various rifles from the wall.)
CHARLIE
Did you say the cops
were here?
(The
DOORBELL RINGS TWICE.)
HIRUM
I’ll handle this all
right.
CHARLIE
My God, put that
down!
PEARL
Let him do it. Bang, bang.
Maybe then we’ll get rid of him once and for all.
CHARLIE
Look, I’ll explain
things.
HIRUM
A man’s home is his
castle.
CHARLIE
Right. You’re the king. You don’t have anything to
prove. Let me have the gun.
(He takes the rifle away.)
HIRUM
Ah, what the
heck.
(He
whacks CHARLIE on the head, a “friendly” whack.
Then looks at the television and, with great interest, sits back down
and watches. Eats some popcorn.
Now
a LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR. HIRUM
continues to watch television, PEARL gestures to CHARLIE that he open the door.
He
almost opens the it, realizes he is holding the rifle, puts it down, and opens
it.
ART
and VIOLET are standing there. VIOLET
holds a cake.)
VIOLET
Aaaah!
(She shoves the cake in CHARLIE’ face.)
Surprise!
PEARL
Oh! Oh, Violet!
What are you doing? Charlie, are
you all right?
VIOLET
Well!
ART
(Slapping CHARLIE on the back)
Well done, son. Well, well-
VIOLET
Well!
ART
Glad to be home,
Charlie?
CHARLIE
My head-
PEARL
What’s the matter
with you?
VIOLET
You said it was a surprise
and you said to bring a cake so I thought-
ART
She’s been waiting
for years to do this, Pearl, (shaking his finger at PEARL) you should have
known!
VIOLET
At least it’s
chocolate.
CHARLIE
Maybe a towel-
PEARL
Oh course,
dear.
(To her husband.)
You’re no help!
(She exits to kitchen.)
HIRUM
They’ve been paid
off.
ART
Who’s playing?
VIOLET
Charlie, you’ll have
to excuse me. I’m old and besides I’m
not terribly bright.
(CHARLIE
slumps to the floor.)
VIOLET
I’m not a blood relative. Artie there, he’s the one who’s related. There should be some comfort in that.
ART
I once tried out for
bat boy. New Jersey Angels. But my feet were no good.
HIRUM
Sh!
(Reenters)
Here you go,
dear.
She
holds a plate under his face and scrapes the cake off with a sharp knife.
We’ll save this
piece for what’s-his-name.
VIOLET
Where’s the
bride? Where’s the little woman?
PEARL
What are you talking
about?
VIOLET
The bride. Isn’t Charlie getting married?
PEARL
Of course not.
ART
I told you,
Violet. She’s not very bright, Pearl.
HIRUM
Would you shut up?
PEARL
We’re celebrating
Charlie’s big prize. He’s won something
very, very big. And a television crew is coming and everything.
VIOLET
I’m going to be on
television?
PEARL
No one deserves it
like our Charlie.
CHARLIE
Do you suppose I
could use the bathroom? To clean up?
PEARL
Oh, there’s no
water, Charlie. And your father won’t
call a plumber.
CHARLIE
No water at all?
VIOLET
If you had a bride
it would be no problem-
(The
DOORBELL RINGS.)
CHARLIE
Oh, God.
PEARL
What if it’s
them? Hirum? Hirum?
HIRUM
Hm?
PEARL
It’s the door
again. We can’t let Charlie answer
it. It’s not safe.
HIRUM
He’s out. He’s out of there! Oh, for God’s sake, the catcher had his
goddamned foot on the bag!
ART
They’re calling him
safe.
HIRUM
You got to be
kidding me. You got to be kidding me.
PEARL
Hirum!
HIRUM
That’s it.
(He
gets up and kicks in the television.)
ART
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
PEARL
Now you’ve done it.
VIOLET
What a temper. I don’t now where he gets it.
ART
They reversed it,
see?
(HIRUM
and ART race to look closely at the screen before it goes to black.)
HIRUM
They reversed it.
(The
DOORBELL RINGS TWICE.)
ART
How do you like
that?
HIRUM
I’ll be damned. I’ve never seen that before.
PEARL
That’s six
televisions this year. And we still have
no water.
HIRUM
Now what am I going
to do? No TV.
VIOLET
There’s cake.
ART
I hate baseball
anyway.
(Sees CHARLIE and goes over to him.)
Let me be the first
to shake your hand. Well done, son. Well done.
Now, uh, what was it you did?
CHARLIE
I think I need a
doctor.
ART
Once I won a pink
tiger. Didn’t I Violet?
VIOLET
Yes, but it wasn’t
real, Art.
ART
Of course it wasn’t
real. Tigers aren’t pink.
(POUNDING
on the door.)
HIRUM
Is someone going to
get that?
PEARL
I always knew
Charlie would do something big. Didn’t I
always say that, Vi?
VIOLET
You used to say,
“That Charlie, look out one day!” And
sometimes you said, “Brand spanking new.”
That was my personal favorite.
HIRUM
I’ll get it. You folks just relax.
(He
looks through the peephole.)
PEARL
As if anybody could
after what you did.
ART
I think this calls
for a drink. Charlie?
(An arrow comes in the
window.)
HIRUM
Quick! Grab the couch! Damned Indians from next door!
(HIRUM,
ART and VIOLET drag the couch over to the front door to brace it.)
VIOLET
That’s not PC,
Hirum.
HIRUM
PC?
ART
Politically
correct. You can’t call Native Americans
Indians.
HIRUM
Who said I was
talking about the Native Americans?
Indian couple moved next door last month. Sells life insurance.
(ART picks up the rubber
tipped
arrow.)
ART
Hah! No point.
They got in last
week so Hirum’s not taking any chances.
ART
How about that
martini?
PEARL
Art, I thought you
knew.
ART
Knew what?
PEARL
Hirum and I, well…
No more martinis. Doctor’s orders.
ART
I don’t understand.
HIRUM
Just give him a
martini, Pearl.
PEARL
No, Hirum. We made a deal. If we don’t drink in this house, nobody does.
ART
How about a
Manhattan, then?
PEARL
Nothing, Art.
VIOLET
Go on, Charlie, tell
us your good news.
CHARLIE
I’m bleeding. There’s blood coming out of my ear.
And he didn’t even
go to college. Lots of schools wanted
him, of course.
CHARLIE
Can I use the
telephone?
PEARL
Would you listen to
this boy? He never was conceited, was he, Violet?
VIOLET
A little fat once,
but never conceited.
ART
How about I make the
martinis?
HIRUM
That’s a fine idea.
(ART
exits to kitchen.)
CHARLIE
VIOLET
Oh, that reminds
me.
(She gets a camera out of her purse.)
I promised your
grandparents I’d take some pictures.
How about everybody
on the couch? Pearl, you sit next to
Charlie, Hirum, maybe you should stand.
You look so impressive when you’re standing. Where’s Art?
PEARL
I haven’t even
combed my hair.
HIRUM
Don’t worry about
it, you look blah,blah,blah, Pearl.
ART
(Enters
carrying a tray with cocktails.)
Drinks all
around! Oh, pictures, too. Very fancy.
PEARL
You sit next to
Charlie, there, Art.
ART
Delighted.
CHARLIE
I think there might
be something wrong with my heart. It’s
kind of flipping.
VIOLET
(Aiming the camera)
Ready? Say cheese.
PEARL
But this is not
good, Violet. You’re not in the picture.
VIOLET
Oh, phooey. Never mind about me.
PEARL
No, no, no, Hirum,
get a pedestal for the camera. She’s got
to be in it, too.
HIRUM
(Stomping off)
That’s why I’m
standing, so I can go fetch a goddamned-
CHARLIE
Please, let me lie
down.
ART
You’re it, old
boy. You’re in the center. The center of things, so to speak. We wouldn’t even bother with this if it
wasn’t for you. Just have a few drinks, tell
a few stories, maybe pinch the women-
HIRUM
(Setting a pedestal down by VIOLET)
How’s this?
VIOLET
A little low, I
think.
HIRUM
(Reassuming his position by the couch)
It’ll have to do.
PEARL
Come on,
Violet. We’ll just slouch a bit.
(VIOLET
sits next to PEARL, looking very unsure.)
ART
On the count of
three, we’ll say cheese. Ready?
VIOLET
I think our heads
will be cut off.
(They
all slouch some more until they have almost slid off the couch. HIRUM lays down across the back of the
couch. At this moment, DOTTIE crawls
through the open window to the left of the couch. She is heavily made up and dresses in very
tight, skimpy clothes, high heels, and long blonde hair.)
ART
One… two… three…
EVERYONE
Cheese!
(Nothing
happens. The camera does not have a
timer.)
ART
Let’s try that
again. One… two… three…
EVERYONE
Cheese!
DOTTIE
Fromage.
(Everyone
turns and looks at her. The two couples
run and hide out of sight. Only CHARLIE
remains in his seat. DOTTIE looks
CHARLIE over, amused.)
DOTTIE
Hello.
CHARLIE
Do you have a car?
ART
Try one of my
martinis.
DOTTIE
God, that’s
bad. What’s in it?
ART’S
VOICE
Didn’t have
vermouth. Had to use soy sauce.
(CHARLIE dials up his cell; no reception.)
VIOLET
She doesn’t look
Indian.
DOTTIE
I’m your niece,
Dottie. Where’s Mother?
PEARL’S
VOICE
I’m here, dear.
DOTTIE
Where’s Graham?
PEARL’S
VOICE
Who?
DOTTIE
Nothing
changes. All right, come out, come out,
wherever you are.
(Everyone
comes out, also greatly relieved, except HIRUM.)
VIOLET
Dottie, darling
girl, you darling girl. Art, doesn’t she
look just like my mother?
ART
I never met your
mother.
VIOLET
She was at our
wedding. In the spotted dress.
ART
Spotted dress? That was her?
PEARL
Dottie, you’ve put
on more weight. Get me a bathroom scale,
Charlie. Let’s weigh her in.
DOTTIE
Mother, please!
PEARL
Fat as a little
pig. It’s not becoming, you know. You’ll never find a man looking like
that.
DOTTIE
I’m a lesbian,
Mother. I don’t like men.
VIOLET
What’s this about
being a lesbian? Is it some kind of
joke?
PEARL
Don’t listen to a
word she says. She’ll do anything to
avoid a diet.
VIOLET
Are you a butch,
dear?
How are you feeling,
dear?
CHARLIE
Better. You know, everyone… I’m thinking this isn’t a
very good idea today. Actually, I just remembered an appointment at two
o’clock.
You can’t… you can’t
leave.
CHARLIE
How about
tomorrow? Or next Saturday?
(He
is inching his way to the door.)
VIOLET
I was a lesbian
once. During college. But it was too messy so I gave it up.
Hirum? Where’s he got to now? Charlie wants to leave!
HIRUM’S
VOICE
It’s the old back
again. Can’t stand up.
(PEARL guards the door.)
PEARL
Hirum, can’t you
talk to him?
(HIRUM
crawls out from behind a piece of furniture.)
VIOLET
Oh! Horsy!
(She
gets on him. In the ruckus, they knock CHARLIE over.)
DOTTIE
You’re both
disgusting.
VIOLET
I’m just a kid at
heart.
PEARL
I remember when he
used to crawl around like that years ago.
When you kids were little. “Ride
‘em cowboy,” you used to yell, Charlie.
And then he’d flip you off and you’d hit your head. Every time.
CHARLIE
I’ve really got to
be going!
Please! Please, just a little while. I’m making your favorite dinner. Just like you like.
HIRUM
Give him twenty
dollars.
ART
(Reenters with tray)
Drinks all around.
(ART swings the tray and
knocks
CHARLIE across the jaw.)
VIOLET
What’s in it?
ART
Well, I found the
vermouth. Behind the Saltines.
VIOLET
I mean, what’s
floating in it?
ART
Anchovy. Out of olives, I’m afraid.
PEARL
I love
anchovies. How about a nice toast? To Charlie, in honor of his great
accomplishment.
EVERYONE
Hear, hear (and)
bravo, hip-hip hooray, (etc.)
DOTTIE
Oh, what a load of
crap. Let him go, Mother. Who needs him?
VIOLET
Now, Dottie, you’re
spoiling things.
PEARL
Why did you
come? Why did you even come?
DOTTIE
Because you invited
me.
PEARL
I didn’t invite
you. I don’t even know your phone
number.
DOTTIE
Someone invited
me. Look.
(She
takes a piece of paper out of her pocket and hands it to PEARL.)
“Great savings on
winter boots…”
DOTTIE
You don’t think I’m
smart enough to read between the lines?
HIRUM
Would someone help
me up? I think I can stand if someone
would help me up.
Charlie, help your
father. Go on. Help him like you always did.
(CHARLIE
struggle to his feet, then goes and helps HIRUM.)
VIOLET
What a party. Reminds me of our wedding. Only you were the one on the floor, Art.
(A
POLITE KNOCK on the door.)
ART
We played games at
our wedding, Violet. It wasn’t anything
like this.
VIOLET
We did, didn’t
we. Spin the bottle, wasn’t it?
ART
Russian roulette,
actually.
VIOLET
Oh, yes. Spin the bullet thing. That’s how we got rid of Mother.
ART
Oh, that
spotted dress.
VIOLET
She never could
resist a competition.
(More
KNOCKING, more insistent.)
PEARL
It’s just the
police. Remember I called. But we don’t need them now. The crisis has passed.
DOTTIE
Police?
HIRUM
It was a
misunderstanding. Some things are better
left unsaid.
ART
I’ll talk to
them. Good cop, bad cop, I know the
whole routine. Leave things to me.
(LOUD
KNOCKING now.)
VIOLET
Hold your
horses. First we’ve got to hide the
murder weapon.
PEARL
Violet!
VIOLET
And the drugs! Got to flush them down the toilet!
LOUDSPEAKER
Open up, it’s the
police!
DOTTIE
I’ve waited my whole
life to hear those words.
(HIRUM
runs and grabs a rifle.
He nods at CHARLIE to open the
door.)
LOUDSPEAKER
Move away from the
door.
CHARLIE
For heaven’s sake,
someone help me move this-
(The
door opens, a gun is pointed. A GUNSHOT,
CHARLIE is hit. He falls to the
floor. Commotion abounds. The door is pushed open wide. POLICEMAN/GRAHAM enters with a gun. CHARLIE moans in pain.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
All right, nobody
move.
PEARL(TO
HIRAM)
Now see what you’ve
done?
HIRAM
Why is it always me?
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Back away. Hands up.
(He
motions with his gun. Everyone rounds up
except CHARLIE, still on the floor.)
VIOLET
Can you talk, dear?
CHARLIE
I’m hit. In the stomach, I think.
DOTTIE
For God’s sake, call
an ambulance. Give me that pillow.
(VIOLET,
making as little movement as possible, throws it from the couch.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
I want you all to
remain with your hands up.
DOTTIE
Yeah? So shoot me then. Art, get me a glass of
water. And a hot towel.
ART
Right!
(Grabs
the martini pitcher and exits.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
I’m in charge here.
DOTTIE
Dad, I need a
blanket.
(HIRUM,
still bent over, exits stage left.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
(Waving his gun)
Don’t make me use
this!
DOTTIE
Mother, the first
aid kit.
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
I’m going to count
to three.
PEARL
Now let me see…
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
One…
DOTTIE
Don’t try to move…
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Two…
PEARL
I had it out last
week when Hirum got mixed up with that porcupine…
(She
exits to kitchen.)
ART
(Reenters with martini pitcher)
Drinks all around!
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Can you all behave as
if you’re under arrest?
CHARLIE
Please,
everyone.
DOTTIE
Don’t speak,
Charlie.
VIOLET
Artie, remember that
bat, what a time we had catching it?
ART
Bat shit all over
the house. I’m still cleaning it up.
(DOTTIE tries to move CHARLIE
– he
moans in pain.)
DOTTIE
I’m trying to help
you here! Christ, that’s all the thanks-
CHARLIE
Just… leave me
alone…
DOTTIE
Go ahead and… bleed,
then.
(She
grabs the pitcher of martinis from ART and a glass. She sits down on the couch, legs crossed.)
(Enters with first aid kit)
I found it! I found it!
Under the sink. Where’s the
patient?
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Sorry, ma’am. I’ve got some questions to ask first. Police procedure.
PEARL
Oh. All right.
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
(To CHARLIE)
I’m afraid you’ll
have to get on the couch. I can’t
question you on the floor.
CHARLIE
I’m sorry, I…
VIOLET
Give me your hand,
dear.
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Sorry, lady. I need to see him move unaided.
VIOLET
Well, that’s
silly. He’s been shot. Haven’t you, dear?
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
I have no evidence
of that, ma’am. Sir? If you’d get up, please, and move over there.
CHARLIE
I’ll try.
ART
(To CHARLIE)
Perhaps a martini
first.
CHARLIE
No, it’s…
DOTTIE
Come on,
Charlie. You can do it. Big cheese and all.
CHARLIE
(Struggling to get up)
I… uh.
PEARL
Reminds me of the
first day he ever walked. Oh, what a
darling you were, Charlie!
CHARLIE
Oh, god, help me…
(Hands outstretched, as if to a baby)
Come to mama, bay-by
boo-bee…
(CHARLIE
is on his feet, but doubled over in pain.
He walks with great difficulty towards PEARL.)
CHARLIE
(Delirious, taking a final step to her)
Mom?
(He
falls forward and she gets out of the way and he falls to the floor.)
PEARL
Oh, I used to love
that game! Dottie, you were never any
good at it. Too fat.
DOTTIE
I weigh a hundred
and twelve!
PEARL
In which foot!
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
You are all under
arrest. You have the right to remain
silent. If you give up your right-
DOTTIE
Do you hear that
mother? You have the right to shut your
fucking mouth!
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
…anything you say
can and will be used against you in a court of law…
PEARL
That’s the
limit. Fat and foul mouthed. You get it from your father, not from me.
VIOLET
(Goes up to POLICEMAN/GRAHAM)
What happens next?
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
You have the right
to an attorney.
VIOLET
Attorney?
(A
KNOCK on the door.)
VIOLET
Artie, did you hear
that? We have the right to an attorney.
ART
Splendid!
HIRUM
(Reenters)
There’s not a
blanket in the house. I found a tube of
Ben-Gay.
PEARL
Well, better than
nothing.
(Begins
to rub the Ben-Gay on CHARLIE.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
The next one who
speaks gets a bullet!
(EVERYONE
quiets down.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Now, I drove all the
way over here to conduct an investigation and by God, that’s exactly what I’m
going to do. Now, I’ve read you your
rights-
(ART
puts his hand up in a friendly fashion.)
ART
May I? I’m representing these people.
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
And who are you?
ART
Artemus P. Earhart,
Esquire.
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
You are under arrest
too.
ART
That doesn’t mean I
can’t defend my clients.
(The SOUND OF A BOMB
offstage.)
May I speak? I’m all for Art defending us. He did a good job on that case with the
sheep.
VIOLET
That was his first
case, too.
DOTTIE
What’s the charge?
ART
My point
exactly.
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
I’m afraid I can’t
disclose that at this point in the investigation.
(TAP-TAP-TAP
at the door. EVERYBODY looks.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Stand back.
(EVERYBODY
stands back. The door opens. AN
EXPLOSION OF SMOKE.
GRANDPA
and GRANDMA stand in the doorway. She holds a walker, he holds a half eaten chicken
carcass on a tray. He is attached to an
IV pole.)
GRANDPA
Thanks for locking
us in the car, Artie. Grandma here
had to set off a
bomb. Second time this month.
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
I’m afraid you can’t
come in. This is a crime scene.
PEARL
Oh, for heaven’s
sake. Art, have they been in the car all
this time?
ART
I gave them both a
sedative this morning, I thought
they’d sleep.
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Now the crime scene
is contaminated.
GRANDPA
It’s my pants that
are contaminated. Winnie, you’ll
have to change me
again.
GRANDMA
Just sit in it, you
old mule. I’m watching Jeopardy.
(GRANDMA goes over to the
couch
and sits.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
All right, line up
over there. All of you.
(Everyone
moves to the other side of the room.)
DOTTIE
I’m not standing
next to Grandpa!
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Quiet! I have in my possession an eye witness
drawing
of the crime.
(He
takes out a piece of paper.)
Do I need to go
further, or are one of you ready to confess?
VIOLET
You’ll have to beat
it out of me!
I want to make a
phone call. Don’t I get to make a phone
call?
ART
That’s right. Give her the phone. She knows her rights.
(Everyone
concurs.)
POLICEMAN/GRAHAM
Don’t anybody
move! You (gesturing to GRANDMA). Get
the phone for the
lady.
GRANDPA
Get a move on,
Winnie. He means business.
(GRANDMA
gets her walker in gear and goes to get the phone. She comes up behind POLICEMAN/GRAHAM and
clunks him on the head. She returns to the couch.)
ART
I’m afraid this
isn’t going to look very good in court.
(The
set is the same as in ACT 1, with one major difference. It is cluttered and filthy, the result of
months of neglect. A chicken carcass on a small table, magazines, empty
bottles, dirty dishes, etc. PEARL is dusting, HIRUM watches the television with
interest. He eats from a bowl of
popcorn. PEARL places doilies now on the
furniture and on the coffee table in front of the couch. HIRUM must look around her to continue
watching the television.)
HIRUM
Jesus, Pearl!
(She
finishes and sits down at the table.)
He’s not coming.
HIRUM
Shit! Goddamned morons.
Do you think we
could call him? I don’t want to bother
him, but do you think we could call him?
HIRUM
What? Call who.
Charlie.
HIRUM
Come on, Rodriguez,
hit one out of the ball park.
Could we?
HIRUM
Everyone’s coming
today, Pearl. Dottie. Your brother Art
and Violet. That was a ball! Jesus!
I got a letter,
Hirum. From Charlie.
HIRUM
What?
(Now she has his attention.)
Jesus, Pearl, we
went over this. That letter is from the
sweepstakes people. That crazy place you
keep sending money. They sent one to a
thousand people. It’s a gimmick. Christ, the one time I let you open the mail.
(The doorbell rings.)
There’s
Charlie! Do I look all right?
HIRUM
Look, sit down. Just sit down. Sit down or I won’t open the door.
(He looks out the peephole.)
What the-
(He opens the door. No one is there.
He looks both ways.)
Goddamned kids. You think that’s funny! You think I’ve got nothing better to do than
this?
(He shuts the door.)
I’ve talked to their
parents, it doesn’t do a goddamned bit of good.
One of these days, I’m going to get them good. Now, come over here and sit down with me. We’re going to watch the game. Okay? And wait. Everything’s going to be okay. Your brother’s coming, Violet, you like
Violet. And Dottie.
I made Charlie’s
favorite dessert. Banana cream pie. Do you remember the way he used to eat
that? He wanted it on his birthday, too.
(The doorbell rings.)
HIRUM
This had better be
someone, I can tell you that.
(He
opens the door. ART and VIOLET stand
there and hold a pie.)
VIOLET
Hirum, how are you?
(Greetings,
kisses, etc. VIOLET and ART “take in”
the mess.)
Pearl? You’re looking pretty. Doesn’t she look pretty,
Art?
ART
She looks fine,
Vi. You look fine, Pearl.
VIOLET
Artie, take this in
the kitchen. What are you watching,
dear?
HIRUM
We’re watching the
game. Yankees are up by two.
VIOLET
Now, Hirum, I
thought we agreed no sports today.
HIRUM
It’s a make-up
game. I don’t make the schedule,
Vi.
VIOLET
Yes, but, you know
how… dominating baseball can be. And we
came here to see you all.
ART
(Reenter)
So, what’s for lunch
besides pie?
HIRUM
Dottie’s bringing
the-
I made all Charlie’s
favorites. Short ribs, mashed potatoes,
and green bean casserole. Violet, did
you see the letter he sent me?
VIOLET
Um, Hirum, that’s a
lot of food, isn’t it?
HIRUM
It’s all right.
Dottie’s-
(Makes
motions with hands – okay sign, etc.)
ART
What’s the score
there, Hirum?
HIRUM
Two to nothing.
VIOLET
Now, Pearl, come and
sit here by me. Hirum tells me you haven’t
been feeling well. But you know, you
look wonderful.
I do?
VIOLET
I’m going to put
some lipstick on you, that’s all. A
little color to brighten things up.
I don’t like going
to the doctor.
VIOLET
Of course you don’t,
dear. But Doctor Hanson-
I don’t see Doctor
Hanson. I’ve got this new doctor. And I don’t like him.
(She whispers.)
He raped me.
VIOLET
Pearl, that’s not
true.
There was blood on
the table. I told Hirum and he won’t do
a thing. Violet, you’ve got to help
me. If only Charlie was here. It’s a terrible way to lose your virginity.
VIOLET
Darling. My poor darling.
I’m leaving,
Vi. Don’t tell Hirum. Charlie sent me a ticket. Don’t let on when he’s here.
VIOLET
I won’t.
ART
Anyone for a little
something?
HIRUM
What, you got some
beer?
VIOLET
I thought we went
over that, Artie.
ART
Hell, Vi, it’s
Saturday. And the ball game’s on.
VIOLET
Any drinking and I’m
going home. Do you hear me?
HIRUM
Jesus, Artie, forget
it.
(The doorbell rings.)
That better be the
meatloaf.
(He opens the door. No one
there.)
Friggin’ kids!
(He slams the door behind him
and
runs off.)
Who was that?
ART
I think it was the
mailman, Pearl. A package. Hirum had to sign.
He’s trying to kill
me. Hirum’s been putting something in
the water. When you turn it on, it comes
out black. Or green. I can’t drink the water. And at night, I wake up sometimes and he’s
holding a pillow. I’m stronger than he
is, but not for long. I can’t drink and
now he’s poisoning the food. One of
these nights I’m going to wake up dead.
VIOLET
Pearl, honey, have
you been taking your pills?
I can’t swallow
them. I can’t drink, have you seen the water?
Go turn it on if you don’t believe me.
Go. Go do it now.
VIOLET
Pearl, there’s
nothing wrong with the water. It’s town
water.
You don’t believe
me.
VIOLET
Artie, go turn on
the water. Bring a glass in here and
let’s have a look.
ART
Okay, okay.
(He exits.)
I’m so glad you’re
here.
(PEARL weeps in VIOLET’S
arms.
ART reenters with a glass.)
ART
It does look a
little muddy.
You see? I’m not crazy. You see what he’s doing?
VIOLET
Art, you sure you
got this out of the sink?
ART
Maybe I dug it out
of the backyard. Want me to try again?
VIOLET
Sometimes you’ve got
to let it run clear for a minute. Artie,
go back in there and try again.
ART
(Exiting)
Seven years of
college and I can’t turn on a faucet.
I’ve got a bag
packed. Charlie and I are leaving after
Hirum passes out.
VIOLET
Charlie?
Don’t tell
anyone. I’ve got it hid.
VIOLET
Honey, honey,
Charlie’s not coming.
I’ve got a
letter. I got the mail yesterday!
VIOLET
Let me see the
letter.
(ART
reenters with another glass. He holds it up.)
Sh!
ART
Well, I wouldn’t
drink it.
(HIRUM reenters. He is
visibly shaken.)
ART
You all right, old
man?
(He
goes over to the couch. He looks like
he’s having a heart attack, cannot catch his breath, etc.)
Hirum? Mother of God, we’d better call 911.
VIOLET
Where’s the phone,
Pearl? Artie, look in the kitchen.
(ART
and VIOLET look around for the phone.
PEARL sits quietly. HIRUM, still
suffering, begins to come around a bit.)
HIRUM
Don’t. Stop.
I’m all right. Just… out of
breath.
VIOLET
That’s it, Art,
we’re getting a cell phone tomorrow. I
told you we needed one.
HIRUM
I’m… okay. Listen.
Sit down. Goddamn it, I’m talking
to you.
VIOLET
Hirum, you look
terrible.
HIRUM
Mind your own business
for once. If Dottie would get here
everybody could eat and get the hell out.
ART
Suit yourself, old
man.
VIOLET
This is
outrageous. I hope you drop dead,
Hirum. I’ve wished that as long as I’ve
known you. Art, how can you let your sister live with this man.
ART
Seems to be a little
trouble with the water, Hirum.
HIRUM
What? Oh, they’re replacing all the pipes. Got a notice on Monday. We’re supposed to filter it for a couple
weeks.
ART
Oh, that’s what’s
going on out there. The machinery. See, Violet?
They’re replacing all the pipes.
VIOLET
Meanwhile, Pearl
can’t eat or drink safely. No wonder
she’s all worked up about everything.
Couldn’t you at least take her to a hotel for a few days, Hirum?
HIRUM
Yeah, right. I have to drug her to get her to the
doctors. A hotel? That’s a laugh.
VIOLET
Doctors, what
doctors? She’s worse than ever. She needs help, Hirum. Real professional help.
HIRUM
You’re so
concerned. When the last time you came
by to see her? Huh? Three months,
four? Five?
VIOLET
I didn’t know! And I’m not married to her, you are!
(PEARL
gets up and exits. She comes back a
moment later wearing her coat.)
I’m going to go pick
up Charlie.
VIOLET
Pearl, honey. Take off your coat. You don’t drive, honey.
Art, Pearl thinks
she can drive.
I learned. I watched it on TV.
ART
What kind of a party
can we have with you gone? Besides, it’s cold out there. Brr.
Right, Hirum?
(HIRUM is absorbed in the
game.)
VIOLET
Art, let’s try and
get Pearl to bed and go home. Pearl, do
you want to lie down for awhile? Maybe
you’re tired.
ART
We’ve got to at
least wait until Dottie get here. How’s
that going to look?
VIOLET
I don’t care about
her, what is she to me? I told you this
would be a fiasco. Pearl, let me take
your coat… All right, leave it on.
ART
You doing all right
over there, Hirum? You sure you’re
feeling all right? God, I wish your
parents were still alive, Vi. Now, that
was entertainment.
(The doorbell rings.)
Jesus, now
what? You getting that Hirum? Hirum?
HIRUM
I’m not budging
again today.
ART
Allow me, then.
(With a flourish, he opens
the door.
DOTTIE stands there.)
And I thought you
were going to miss all the fun.
DOTTIE
Hi, Uncle Art, hi,
Aunt Violet!
VIOLET
Sorry, I’m dealing
with your mother just now. She thinks she’s taking the car.
(DOTTIE kisses her father.)
HIRUM
The Yankees are up by
two.
VIOLET
Did you bring the
ribs?
DOTTIE
Did I what?
VIOLET
Your father said you
were bringing ribs and mashed potatoes and what was the other thing?
ART
Green bean
casserole.
DOTTIE
Where was I going to
get all that?
ART
Great. Banana cream pie and poison water for
dessert. And the pie’s frozen.
VIOLET
Isn’t there a
Chinese place nearby?
DOTTIE
Daddy hates Chinese.
VIOLET(uncertainly)
I suppose I could see
if I could whip something up in the kitchen…
(PEARLS
exits to kitchen – she comes back a moment later with a plate of olives stuck
with toothpicks.)
DOTTIE(helplessly)
I never said
anything about bringing any food. I
mean, how was I going to get it here?
HIRUM
Christly
umpire. They let them get away with this
crap.
DOTTIE
You’re not looking
too good, Daddy. You sick?
VIOLET
We think he’s had a
heart attack. Just before you came he was chasing those Indians next door.
DOTTIE
What do you mean,
chasing those Indians? What Indians?
ART
(Making
war cries, slapping his hand against his mouth)
Woo, woo, woo, woo…
HIRUM
Run, you
bastard! Jesus H. Christ, get the lead
out of your ass!
(Disgusted, he gets up and
turns off
the television.)
I’m not watching
this crap anymore. They’re just blowing
it. No reason unless they’re paid off.
DOTTIE
Dad, you really
don’t look well.
VIOLET
I told you, he had a
heart attack. Hirum, if you drop dead,
don’t call me. He never listens to anyone.
Dottie, what you are you doing these days?
DOTTIE
Oh, you know. Working.
VIOLET
Are you still at the
nursing home?
DOTTIE
It’s a retirement
home.
HIRUM
Dottie’s the
Recreation Director.
DOTTIE
Well, not the
director. I’m the assistant.
VIOLET
Uh huh. And what do they do for fun there?
DOTTIE
Oh, they like to
play cards a lot. Bingo. Once a week we go bowling. I’m thinking of going back to school, though.
VIOLET
Really? And study what?
DOTTIE
I was thinking maybe
I’d become a nurse.
ART
I’d go into
genetics, if I could start over. Haven’t
I said that, Vi?
VIOLET
Oh, I brought the
pictures. Art, tell Pearl what you found
out.
She
gets the photos out of her purse.
ART
Pearl, did you know
we were related to a king? Tidlet
Prydyn, 1st King of Powys. I
was standing in the ruins of his castle.
VIOLET
Look! There he is!
DOTTIE
and PEARL look at the photos.
ART
There’s a bust of
Old Tidlet. Missing part of his nose
now.
PEARL scrutinizes
it.
He looks a little
like Aunt Mildred. See? Around the eyes.
ART
Oh, Tidlet’s better
looking.
They laugh.
ART(CONT.)
You should think
about going over there. Hirum! Why don’t you take Pearl to Wales next
summer?
DOTTIE
Daddy’s always
wanted to go to Ireland, haven’t you Daddy?
HIRUM
Huh? Yeah.
VIOLET
What about you,
Dottie? You like to travel.
DOTTIE
Sure, when I win the
lottery.
Dottie went on that
trip to France with her high school class, but got sick and had to come home
early.
The
memory makes everyone uncomfortable.
DOTTIE
Would anyone like a
cold drink?
DOTTIE runs into
the kitchen.
HIRUM
Jesus, Pearl.
She did. She got sick.
HIRUM
You know goddamned
well what happened.
ART
What do you say we
order a pizza? Violet, isn’t there a
Dominos near here?
VIOLET
Artie, we had pizza
last night.
HIRUM
We’ve got hamburger
patties in the freezer. Just have to defrost them. Dottie!
DOTTIE!
DOTTIE enters.
HIRUM(CONT.)
Can you defrost the
hamburger? Just put it in the microwave
for three minutes. There’s buns in
there, too.
DOTTIE exits.
HIRUM(CONT.)
They’re
pre-cooked. Not bad for horsemeat.
ART
Should go good with
the pie.
VIOLET
Maybe I should give
her a hand.
HIRUM
No, leave her
alone. She gets nervous if she thinks
anyone’s watching her.
(The
doorbell rings. PEARL runs to the door and opens it. GRAHAM stands there.)
GRAHAM
Surprise!
(DOTTIE comes out of the
kitchen.)
DOTTIE
Graham? Graham, what are you doing here?
GRAHAM
You mean this party
isn’t for me?
ART
I thought you were…
out of town?
GRAHAM
It’s called jail,
Uncle Art.
HIRUM
Jesus, Graham, your
mother.
GRAHAM
I got out early for
good behavior.
(A pause.)
Well?
(DOTTIE throws her arms
around her
brother. She holds him a long time.)
VIOLET
It’s good to see
you, Graham.
HIRUM
Graham?
(An awkward hug between
them.)
HIRUM
I’m glad you came,
son. You’re timing is, well, it was
always… God damn. You’re looking…
good. Do you need to use the bathroom or
anything?
(HIRUM
is tense, nervous, unsure about how to proceed.)
GRAHAM
Bathroom?
HIRUM
Dottie’s whipping
something up in the kitchen. A little
bite, that’s all.
DOTTIE
I’m not sure about
the hamburger, Daddy.
HIRUM
What do you mean?
DOTTIE
When you put it back
in the freezer you forget to wrap it up.
It’s kind of dried out.
HIRUM
That’s what
ketchup’s for.
DOTTIE
I suppose I could
make some kind of gravy.
ART
What do you say we
all go to that pancake place over on Sumner?
Pearl? Blueberry pancakes, what
do you say?
HIRUM
Maybe it’s just as…
Look. I want to talk to everyone.
Graham, have you got a bag?
GRAHAM
Outside. I wasn’t sure if I should bring it in.
DOTTIE
Of course you
should-
GRAHAM
I’ll get it later.
(HIRUM has summoned his
conviction.)
HIRUM
Might as well, get
this over with. Graham, I didn’t expect you today, but it’s a good thing,
anyway. Good thing. Look, I asked you
all over for a reason. Art, sit there.
Violet, next to Art. Dottie, here,
Graham, grab a chair.
(They all sit.)
(A
few moments go by. Everyone looks at
HIRUM expectantly. He looks off into
space. Awkward pause.)
HIRUM(CONT.)
Everyone feeling
okay? Good. Good. I’ve got some news. We’ve got some news. Pearl – your mother – and I wanted to talk to
you all at once. None of this phone tag business
where the story gets all mixed up. We’ve
decided to separate. You kids are grown,
you have your own lives – Art and Violet, I’m sorry if this makes you
uncomfortable, but you’re family. I need
you here. I’m giving Pearl the house,
that’s what we’ve decided, right, Pearl?
I’ve got a cousin down country, he said I could sleep on his couch.
(PEARL gets up and goes to
the TV.
She turns it on and sits on
the couch
and flips through the
channels.)
You know, sometimes
these things, well, these things happen.
It’s nobody’s fault. Pearl and I
have just, well, we’ve grown apart. No
hard feelings. I’m sure we’ll keep in
touch, maybe spend Christmas together.
How would that be? Christmas,
here? All of us? Pearl, what the hell
are you doing?
I’m looking for
Jeopardy.
DOTTIE
Mother, Jeopardy’s
on during the week. This is Saturday.
I’m watching it
anyway.
GRAHAM
Dad, you’ve
obviously gone completely out of your head.
Who’s going to take care of Mother?
HIRUM
I’ve put my time
in. (He coughs deeply.)
VIOLET
I suppose she could
come live with us.
HIRUM
See?
ART
We just got rid of
your parents, Violet, I need a little peace.
VIOLET
You’re talking about
your sister. Hirum, I can’t believe
you’re abandoning her.
HIRUM
You want to be
saddled with that thing on the couch for the rest of your life?
ART
No!
HIRUM
I tried to put her
in an institution, but she’s not bad enough. Can you believe it? Not bad enough.
DOTTIE
I’ll take her.
GRAHAM
You can’t take her,
Dottie.
DOTTIE
I said I’ll take
her.
GRAHAM
You’ll kill
her. You’ll fucking kill her.
VIOLET
There is no reason
to use that kind of language.
GRAHAM
Just try it. Go ahead.
DOTTIE
I intend to.
GRAHAM
I mean right
now. Ten minutes. On the couch.
Right now. I’ll bet you a hundred
dollars you don’t last sixty seconds.
DOTTIE
For a hundred
dollars, I can do anything for sixty seconds.
GRAHAM
Be my guest.
(DOTTIE
goes over to the couch and sits down next to her mother.)
You have to talk to
her.
DOTTIE
How are you feeling,
Mother?… What’s on?…
Your father is
trying to poison me.
DOTTIE
Daddy? Daddy would never do anything like that.
I wake up in the
middle of the night and he’s holding a pillow over my head. He wants me dead. Because of Charlie.
DOTTIE
You shouldn’t be
thinking about Charlie.
That’s what he says. That’s what you all say. But I know!
I know, I was there! He’s alive. And he’s coming today. I’ve got a
letter.
(She points to her breast.)
It’s in here. Safe.
DOTTIE
Let me see it,
Mother.
You’ll see it soon
enough.
(DOTTIE tries to touch
PEARL.
instantly
recoils and gets up and moves away.)
Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. You’re not going to get nothing.
HIRUM
And you expect me to
live like this.
(GRAHAM sits next to DOTTIE.)
GRAHAM
Fifty-six seconds.
DOTTIE
I’m not the one that
got up!
GRAHAM
You owe me a hundred
dollars.
DOTTIE
Put it on my tab.
GRAHAM
How about I take it
out in trade?
(He
starts to tickle her, she jumps up and runs over to her mother.)
HIRUM
Would you two knock
it off, you’d think you were still teenagers.
DOTTIE
You are never to
touch me, never, do you hear? You’re
disgusting, that’s what you are!
VIOLET
Art, it is not
funny! Graham, you are
inappropriate. And you always have
been. Hirum, you should have knocked
some sense into him when you had a chance.
HIRUM
You don’t think I
tried?
(PEARL gets up and finds a
portrait of
CHARLIE on the wall. She sits
down on
the
far side of the couch from GRAHAM and cries softly.)
Now see what you’ve
done?
GRAHAM
All right. All
right. Christ, I don’t know why I
came. Dottie? Fuck you.
I was just kidding around.
(He walks to the door and
opens it.)
GRAHAM(CONT.)
And you can forget
about Christmas!
(He exits.)
VIOLET
Thank God he’s gone!
ART
Hey, he’s just a
boy. Deranged, well, but still…
HIRUM
I tried everything
with him. Didn’t I Dottie?
DOTTIE
I don’t know.
HIRUM
You don’t know? How many times did I have to go down to that
school and bail him out of some jam?
They wanted to send him away to school, you know, one of those places
for kids like him.
VIOLET
You never told us,
Hirum.
HIRUM
And I should have. God help me, I made a mistake. I thought if we kept him at home and kept
working at it. I guess it’s the way I
was raised. You took care of your
own. I was wrong. And this is the result.
ART
You did throw him
out when he was, what, fifteen?
HIRUM
Sixteen. He was sixteen. And what did you expect me to
do? He pulled a gun. A gun, Artie.
ART
I remember.
HIRUM
He’s my own flesh
and blood, but a gun, Artie.
DOTTIE
Daddy, you really
should go to the emergency room. Your color
is getting worse and worse.
VIOLET
It’s been a
strain. The whole thing has been a
strain.
HIRUM
Maybe a drink of
water. Artie, help me off with this
coat. It’s, I’m burning up in here.
(DOTTIE runs off to the
kitchen.)
It’s ever since
Charlie. Things have never been right.
VIOLET
(Goes and opens a window.)
Now, now, Hirum, we
don’t have to go over that.
HIRUM
Why not? It’s the truth. I could have sued the car manufacturer, but
Pearl wouldn’t let me. What good would
it have done? Would it have brought him
back to us? God.
ART
What can we do for
you, Hirum? What can we do to help?
HIRUM
Just… listen to
me. I’ve held this inside for too
long. Pearl would never talk about
it. My own wife! Do you know she hasn’t talked to me since
that day! Oh, bring home some milk,
we’ll have to find a new garbage man, but my son! My son dies and there’s no one to talk to!
VIOLET
You can talk to us,
can’t he Artie?
(DOTTIE
comes in with a glass of brownish water.)
HIRUM
I need a beer. I can’t talk about this without a beer.
ART
I’ve got a six pack.
VIOLET
I told you Artie, no
drinking!
ART
The man’s going to
talk about his dead son, Vi. I mean, does
he really need your permission to have a beer?
(She doesn’t respond. ART exits and
returns a moment later with
the beer.)
DOTTIE
You’ll just have
one, Daddy?
HIRUM
One? I’ll be lucky to get it down. Lost my taste for it. But every now and again I like to feel the
bottle in my hand. Comforting, Christ,
who can understand the human condition?
(ART
gives him a beer. He takes a long drink
and then begins to choke.
comes
over to find out what the commotion is about.
She sees the glass
of
water.)
So, you had a drink
of your own medicine! Ha, ha! Serves you right.
VIOLET
Pearl, I know you’re
not sensible, but your husband’s a sick, sick man!
I’m not sensible, no,
but I’m sensible enough to know that.
HIRUM
I’m okay, I’m okay,
just went down the wrong pipe. Holy
Mother of God.
You’re alive?
HIRUM
Sorry to disappoint
you.
(PEARL
cries out and begins to hit him with her fists – she is frail and cannot due
much damage.)
DOTTIE
Mother, that’s
enough. Now, stop that. You’ll just hurt
yourself.
(DOTTIE takes her over to the
couch.
PEARL goes around the room
and collects
Pictures of CHARLIE off all
the walls.)
ART
You’re going to have
to do something, Hirum.
(GRAHAM reenters. He sits down.)
HIRUM
I told you, I
can’t. She’s not bad enough. Can you believe this shit?
VIOLET
I don’t like the
look of him, Artie.
HIRUM
God, that tastes
good. What was that song you kids used
to sing in the car? A hundred bottles
of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles of beer, you take one down and pass it
around, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall… Used to drive me crazy in the back seat. If I
knew the name of the man that taught you that song, I’d spit on his grave.
DOTTIE
Charlie taught us
that song.
HIRUM
That’s not
funny. Jesus, I’m just trying to lighten
the mood a little. Okay, look. I’ve got something else to tell you. I don’t want your pity. But it might help to put my cards on the
table, so to speak. I’ve got the
cancer. And of course, it’s spread. Not operable, you name it, there’s bad news
at the end of the sentence. So they
figure I’ve got six months before I get really sick. That’s why I want to separate. Six months.
Is that too much for a man to ask? Six relatively peaceful months. When I’m dead, they’ll have to do something
with her. But as long as I’m alive, they
won’t.
ART
Hirum, old man, are
they sure? Did you get a second opinion?
HIRUM
Christ, they stuck
me and poked me and ran crap down my veins, if they don’t know by now, then I’m
Barbara Streisand.
I’m going outside to
wait for Charlie.
DOTTIE
Mother-
(PEARL looks at GRAHAM a
long
time
– there is something in the look – a plea, perhaps.)
HIRUM
Let her go. She goes and sits in the shed and watches the
road. What the hell difference does one
more time make.
(PEARL
exits.)
DOTTIE
But she-
HIRUM
She’ll be all
right. She’ll outlive us all.
VIOLET
I’ll check on her in
a bit.
DOTTIE
Daddy, you can’t
die. You just can’t.
HIRUM
Well, pumpkin, the
big guy upstairs has other ideas.
(VIOLET weeps a bit.)
VIOLET
It’s so unfair.
After everything you’ve been through.
She’s never been the
same since the accident.
DOTTIE
I grew up without a
mother. Do you realize that? I was four when Charlie died. I barely remember him. I barely remember her. She just wasn’t there.
VIOLET
Oh, he was a
beautiful boy. Bright blue eyes, blonde
hair. A hero, really. Loved you, Dottie. Used to pull you around in his wagon.
DOTTIE
I wish I could
remember.
(HIRUM finishes his beer and
opens
another.)
Daddy, be careful
now.
HIRUM
Does it really
matter?
(He takes a long pull.)
You would have
thought I murdered that boy. Did she
ever thank me once for saving the rest of you?
I mean, it was the brakes. Coming
down that mountain. Jump, she
yelled. Jump. I made it down. And poor little Charlie jumped.
ART
You don’t have to
talk about this.
HIRUM
When am I going to
talk about it? After the grave?
GRAHAM
You give answers, but
you don’t know the questions. The question isn’t, “Who killed Charlie,” or “Why
Mother is crazy,” or “Why is Graham crazy,” the question is, “Who was driving
the car?”
HIRUM
Graham, for Christ’s
sake, what the hell are you trying to pull?
GRAHAM
“Who was driving the
car”, Dad? Aunt Violet, how about
you? Uncle Art? You’re a big thinker-
DOTTIE
Graham, Daddy’s
sick. He’s got cancer.
GRAHAM
Where’s the medical
report, Dad?
HIRUM
I don’t have to take
this from you.
GRAHAM
I… remember! Can you believe it? Somebody around her actually remembers
something. Something that actually
happened.
VIOLET
Artie, let’s
go.
GRAHAM
Sit down.
(GRAHAM pulls out a gun.)
Sit down and shut
up.
DOTTIE
Graham, you’re
scaring us.
GRAHAM
I’m scaring
you? Dottie, you’ve been scared your
entire life. Of this guy. And that… wherever she is.
ART
Graham, put the gun
down and we’ll forget about this. We’ll
go home, all of us. And never mention it
again.
GRAHAM
What a brilliant
idea. What a brilliantly original
idea. Let’s never mention it again,
shall we? Let’s pretend it never
happened. Well, guess what. This has happened. And twenty-five years ago,
something else happened. And every day since, every single day, I look in the
mirror – the days I can get out of bed – and guess what I see?…
I see the road
rushing at me through the windshield, I see Charlie with sweat pouring down his
face-
DOTTIE
Charlie jumped-
GRAHAM
No he didn’t, we
did.
DOTTIE
But Daddy said-
GRAHAM
“Daddy was passed”
out in the back seat.
DOTTIE
Then who was- Mother didn’t…
GRAHAM
Charlie was driving.
VIOLET
Charlie was only
ten!
A pause here – it
sinks in.
HIRUM
It’s bullshit. Jesus, it’s hot in here. Graham, God damn it- I don’t have to defend
myself. I served this country. I don’t
have to answer anything any more.
ART
It doesn’t matter
now, Graham. I mean, we can’t change it.
We can talk about it, though. Please,
give me the gun before someone gets hurt.
Please. This is your family.
Your sister
here.
(There is a knock on the
door.)
GRAHAM
Open it. Somebody open it.
(ART
goes to the door and opens it.
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
stands there.
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN)
We had a report from
a neighbor that someone was disturbing some kids next door-
(He
sees GRAHAM pointing a gun at HIRUM and draws his.)
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
Jesus!
(He draws his gun.)
Drop the gun. Drop the gun or I’ll shoot.
GRAHAM
Disturbing some kids
next door? Who, us? Dad, you wouldn’t do
a thing like that, would you?
ART
God’s sake, Graham.
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
Shut up! How do you guys figure what to do in a case
like this? Do you shoot me after I pull
the trigger, or do you shoot me before, in which case you really should have
shot me already. After all, any moment,
any moment I could just squeeze-
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
But you
haven’t. You haven’t done it. You can put the gun down. No one has to get hurt. Hand me the gun. Please.
Please, hand me the gun.
GRAHAM
It doesn’t
matter. I die. The old man dies. We’re doomed.
Are you doomed, too? Have you
done anything you really, really wish you hadn’t? Ever?
In that uniform?
Answer me.
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
No.
GRAHAM
And if you have to
shoot me, will you regret it?
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
Yes.
GRAHAM
Of course, if I
shoot my father, you’ll have to shoot me and suppose you miss? Suppose you hit Dottie instead? Would you regret that, too?
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
I don’t want to
shoot anybody.
GRAHAM
Ah, I’m sorry. There’s no getting away from it. One of us, maybe – both of us – are going to
get it. I’ll make it easy. Why not?
This gun is getting heavy anyway.
I’ll count to three. And I’ll
either shoot my father or I’ll shoot you.
One… two…
HIRUM
Just pull the
fucking trigger, you sonofabitch! Just
get it fucking over with!
HIRAM comes at
GRAHAM.
GRAHAM
Who are you talking
to, Dad?
DOTTIE
runs toward her father and GRAHAM.
(CHARLIE/POLICEMAN shoots.)
DOTTIE
Oh, my God, my God,
my God…
(Great
commotion. GRAHAM is down, DOTTIE is down, HIRUM is down. It is not clear who
was hit.)
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
All right,
everybody! Relax!
(The
lights go down slowly.)
HIRUM
I was just trying to
have a little peace. Was that too much
to ask? (BLACK OUT.)
The lights come
up. The stage is empty except for a CHARLIE/POLICEMAN.
He is taking pictures of the crime scene, etc.)
(PEARL
enters. She sees the PHOTOGRAHER and
runs to him, throws her
arms
around him.)
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
Um, ma’am, I’m
sorry, are you part of the family?
Because
the house is off limits.
I was out. I was out there… where…
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
I’m sorry, is there
someone we can call?
I went for a walk
and sat down on a bench. Did I fall
asleep?
POLICMAN/CHARLIE
You really aren’t
allowed in here. Is there someone we can
call?
Charlie?
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
I’m sorry?
I’m such a
ninny. It’s just, well, I haven’t been
well. And my eyes are, well, I must look
a sight. But let me look at you. You
look so handsome.
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
I’m afraid there
must be some mistake. Are you family?
Of course I’m
family. Look at you in your
uniform. You hardly look old enough
to… Is it very dangerous, what you do?
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
Mrs.-
Of course it’s dangerous. It’s a wretched world. Wretched.
And you’re expected to see us through.
It’s too much to expect. Still,
I’m glad you’re there. Here.
I’m glad you’re
here.
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
Is there someone we
could call?
I see you brought
your camera.
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
I need to take some
photos. Mrs.-
Harding. Mrs. Hirum Harding.
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
There’s something
you need to know.
I was just picking
up a few things. I’ve decided to move
south. Where it’s warm. I’ve had it with this Yankee weather. Look.
(She opens a closet.)
My bag is all
packed. Are you going to take my
picture?
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
What? Oh, that won’t be-
Because I’d like
that very much. Before I go. How is my hair?
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
It’s- fine.
Does it have a
timer?
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
What? No.
Too bad. How’s this over here? Would you mind? Is it too much to ask?
CHARLIE/POLICEMAN
Um, no, I guess not.
It’s my last day in
this house. I think I should have a
picture made. Wait until I smile.
(She attempts a smile.)
That always feels so
artificial. I mean, why should I
smile? Okay, go ahead. I’m not smiling. Just snap it.
Go on. Shoot. Whoops.
(PEARL
laughs at her own joke.
BLACK
OUT. THE END.)